another dear neko post

i can't sleep. i tried to drown myself with 5 mugs of coffee. it's 5 am now. i think. i have a job later. i want to smoke. i want to have a discussion with you about change. i just read sandman: brief lives. life and hopefully (pain) and other shit would feel brief as well. i am angry still. or irritated. or something. i should never check his instagram. i mean fuck them both. hard. in their motherfucking ass. two years more neko, we'll see. hopefully the pain and shit will expire by then. i mean, look at me telling my friends that "happiness is a motherfucking choice" but here i am, still feeling the blow of being replaced by idk. in any case, despite the fact that i will see you in a month or so, i miss you. and good lord i am motherfucking excited to see you. i think i just have to disensitize myself with their shit. i mean, i do not need his love. i do not need his validation. lots of people want me in their lives. so fuck them who don't want me at all. fuck them. haha. i am titanium. i am echoing my playlist. cause i have an elastic heart. you go sia! haha. i swear i am not high. i tried to sleep but weird dreams haunt me. not bad though. just felt like there were creatures crawling at my skin. neko, be strong. do not fucking die on me okay?