what a privilege

it is and forever will be a privilege to have my heart broken by you

i mean, whatever happens, i love you. i always will even if you keep breaking me down into the core whenever you your eyes, your lips, your body, your words and your soul breaks up with me. 

smoking the pain away

a couple of days ago i learned to pick up sticks that were proven to reduce the number of my supposed to be lifetime on earth. it was a conscious decision on my part to try something new, to do something that i thought i would never do and to possibly ignite back the embers of my respect for myself.

each stick burned and each smoke that dissipates through the air symbolizes a transition, an independence from a ruthless state of continuous pain brought both consciously and subconsciously by the world and the motherfucking matters of the human heart.


of being needed and the new peter parker film

one of the most prominent themes of the new spiderman film is about making people feel important.

the importance of being "needed" even in the simplest way is essential and powerful.

i meant to write a longer post about this but sometimes brevity works wonders.

on the other hand, the film needs to be more human, it needs a heart, it needs a deeper story. there is a feeling of disconnect maybe because ob the overwhelming layers of CG. it made me feel as if I have watched a two and a half hour video game.


mula na naman kay lali (tagos puso, para s kaibigan)

Sa Aking Kaibigan

Kailangan kong iyong maunawaan
na naririnig ko ang bawat mong kalungkutan
na sa bawat paghihirap, handa kang tulungan
dalhin mo ako kung saan maaaring magpahinga
itong aking pagal na katawan.

Nais kong pagsabihan ng iyong suliranin
ng iyong bawat inaasam, ng iyong bawat mithiin
ako ay kabahagi ng iyong bawat kalungkutan
ako ay karamay sa bawat awitin ng kaligayahan
'pagkat alam kong sa buhay takot iyong tangan.

Hinihintay kong tulungan ka ay iyong hayaan
ipahayag ang sa puso mo'y mga nananahan
upang pag-ibig ako rin ay iyong maturuan
'pagkat akong minsang tinuring mong kaibigan
sa 'yo mistulang multong aking kaisampalad
kaibigan sa kabila ng pasakit na iyong pinalipad.


tangina mo lang pag-ibig ka

philippine noontime show eat bulaga has been making me laugh like a maniac over the past few days.

i love it when their crew visit baranggays and raffle a lucky winner living in the deep street labyrinths of manila.

their inside jokes tickle me. for some weird reason the organic happiness and laughter coming from the hosts, the audience and the contestants seem to reach me inside me room hundreds of thousands of miles away from the philippines.

i miss my country and their happy people.

i mean, poverty and all shit combined, the philippines is a relatively happier country than america.

watching the show makes me feel like i am also travelling with the hosts who visit different families everyday. it makes me feel like i am a part of them, makes me feel like i am a part of this social learning process.  i mean , you hear the stories, the dramas, the fun, the different family angles and at special cases, you hear something really crazy and unexpected.

i was all sweaty and laughing like crazy watching this segment when the lucky lady contestant in bleached hair dropped a huge bomb that silenced the laughter for a while.

"my husband just died. he committed suicide. hanged himself up our ceiling."

eat bulaga host: "why? how?"

the blonde lady winner narrated the story under the heat of the sun.

there is this disquieting silence that enveloped the air.

"last night we were drinking. he told me he loves me very much."

eat bulaga host: "and what did you tell him?"

"i told him nothing. i mean, i am assuming that he knows it already. i mean, mmm uhmm i can't i mean, lord knows how i feel about him."

eat bulaga host: " why did you not tell him you love him?"

blonde lady winner: (silence)

fuck you love.
< 3


something for the brave, the wounded and the fighters

"You are not brave because you said no, or brave because you ran away, or because you looked love in the face and said 'not today.'
There is nothing courageous about the way you left me, open handed, palms outwards, waiting. I was standing at your door and I was saying 'I will take you as you are if you will do the same for me.' You didn’t know how to.
No one had taught you that wanting someone desperately is like sliding out of your clothes and out of your skin and laying yourself at their feet. All skin and no walls. All soul and no teeth, no metal, no keys. No one had shown you how lovely vulnerability can be.
How proud it is to be naked in front of someone.
Fully clothed, naked.
Arms full of heart. Heart full of rain.
Body like an olive branch, I am telling you that I love you today.
I am telling you that I am not scared to be fragile in front of you. I am telling you that I trust you to look after my gentle.
Keep it safe, don’t keep it hidden.
They say that giving your name to someone is giving them power over you.
I wrote my name on your wrists.
I wrote it in your mouth.
Whispered it into your ear.
I said “here, this is who I am, do what you will with it.
I am not scared. I am not frightened.
” Even then, even after that, in that quiet rain filled room I watched you stitch yourself back up again and turn away, I watched you do it without me.
I kept my hands open anyway, just in case.
Here, the mattress is asking you what you’re doing. Here, the walls have known how you sound when you murmur my name.
Here, everything is wondering where your brave is.
Where has your courage gone? Where is your wolf?
I know that you can feel in colours that haven’t been invented yet. I know that you’re trembling beneath your soldier body.
I would have loved you enough for the both of us.
Until then, I will run through the streets after dark holding a sign that says ‘I SURVIVED LOVING A MAN WHO DID NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME BACK AND IT WAS GLORIOUS.’"

— Azra.T


am i not good enough?

a motherfuckin question that haunts you once in a while.

don't worry, because one day you will meet that someone who will find you pretty enough, hot enough, sexy enough and exciting enough to love you and want you exclusively. :)

of mourning

"why do you cry?" 
he asked.

it took me a while to gather a response.

in that moment my body was drowned with the ocean of heartbeats and lightning flashbacks.

there's that random feelings of loss- and it gives my back chills like an icy wind on a still starless evening.

it feels like a hole has been punched through the hard wall that i built to protect my heart.

thing is i rarely cry. i find it hard to open because i think it makes you really vulnerable to a lot of things.

in that moment, i felt the gush of emotion flowing out of the broken walls of the dam that i built.

"why do you cry?"

it feels like another heartbreak. wait, no. i should be used to that feeling already so it can't be.

loss. yeah, it's more about loss. the fear of losing over and over and over again. the fear of losing someone so special, someone so precious to someone else.

"why do you cry?"

it's because of the fucking memories and all the what could have beens. the things that i could have done with you. the things that i could do only with that special someone. which is just a far-fetched idea.

"why do you cry?"

i am selfish. i want you. but i know that by default you don't really own anyone and can never own anyone because at the end of the day it is you and yourself that matters.

"why do you cry?"
i am jealous. but i know i should not be because we are not in any kind of any romantic relationship anyway.
i hate how my mind think of you doing things to strangers to other people who may or may not really care for you at all.

"why do you cry?"

because i still wish that someday we will be together. and again, given that this possibility is such a far-fetched idea, it breaks my heart into infinite pieces.

"why do you cry?"

because i have never cried for a while. because it always feels like goodbye. although i know we already agreed of not leaving each other. of staying at each other's lives for as long as we can.

"why do you cry?"

the complicated situation

"why do you cry?"

because i am sad. not like suicidal i don't know how to be happy sad. sad because it hits me. it just hits me hard in the core/. and it sucks because just when i got a new life because of you, i felt like i have to lose and let go of another.

"why do you cry?"

i long for security.
i want someone who i can just hold hands with. i want someone who i can spend time with even without talking. i want someone that i can cuddle with.  want someone that i can kiss slowly, passionately over and over again. i want someone whom i can freely express my love with- someone who i can say "i love you" over and over and over again. 

"why do you cry?"

because i just want to feel something real. be loved by that someone who could love me for who i am, accept me despite all flaws and shits.

"why do you cry?"

because I imagine you sleeping with other people, sharing passion with them, sharing a kiss with them, shaing intimacy with them instead of me.

"why do you cry?"

because i don't want to lose faith in love and romance.

though at this point my mind and heart say it is just all a bunch of crap. 

"why do you cry?"

and i am crying as i fucking write this. maybe to let go. maybe to revel in the pain. maybe because crying sometimes make you feel really good. 

"why do you cry?"

i am too scared of disappointment to start all over again.

"why do you cry?"

because i love you.


the person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing.


about becoming just an option

fuck that.

life is short becoming just one of the options.
you should be the obvious choice.


the truth is

he does not need you and he most definitely does not need your love and romance.
he is just giving you a second chance to live.

nothing more. nothing less.

and you just have to live with that.

set your mind, heart and other stuff ready to sail somewhere else.



something to remember in life

the human heart is fickle
things change, deal with it.
sometimes sudden changes happen. deal with it.
when something that you expect does not happen, fuckin deal with it and don't get butt hurt about it.
the world operates in irony. (most of the time)
and also, take notes so you may remember. 


the L word

how many times have i used it on someone really special to me as in a romantic level kind of special? 
just probably three.
cause i value the motherfuckin word so much that i may have only loved three people so much in my life.

they may or may not deserve it but i don't care anymore.

thing is i am writing this here in this fuckin cyberspace to remind me how i value those words and that it should not and never be used sparingly.


for the record

i may have been the happiest person ever when you returned to my life.

that's it. nothing more, nothing less. 


New Year's Wish for EVERYONE

I wish that you find that ONE person who will truly care for you. Bear with me. I mean this may sound cheesy but life is mix of complicated cheeses anyway. I am writing here again perhaps because I have a surge , no a wave, a fuckin tsunami of emotions at this point.

But anyway, going back to my point I mean this wish for everyone: I wish that YOU will eventually meet that one specific person who will make you feel secured, loved, cared for, and appreciated.

Why am I saying this? Just because I feel like everyone deserves to be happy at some point in their lives.
I mean genuine unabashed kind of happiness.

Maybe this is wishful thinking. Maybe.
But I mean, also maybe the universe is listening. So never stop wishing.

And in the meantime, be happy and contented with what you have, whatever you have and whoever it is around you.

Make it work for you.





i still believe that if you want something to happen,
you can make it happen.

if it's important to you, you will make a way and find more reasons to fight instead of making more and more excuses to not make things happen.

never allow anyone to make you feel unimpotant again. ever.



besides, a little bit of pain keeps you awake and aware that at least you still feel something
because feeling is being human
well at least part of it
it validates you have emotions
that you are a multidimensional being
capable of doing

yo no necesito usted




street corners

i think i live in a part of town where something that can be classified as criminal happens every ten minutes.
i kid you not. sirens, choppers, gunshots, crashing cars and screams compose the soundtrack of my neighborhood.

if you will be keen enough to notice, our block was given a special treatment by the authorities.
while the rest of the street are illuminated with the same yellow pale light, our block have brand new spankin' fluorescent bright day lights.

also, my room's window are adjacent to the street corner full of whores.
each night at least three whores would create a scene outside.

the street is called hart.



so the tremor happened the moment i downed my soup
and my insides swim with the spicy seasoned water polluted with hydrogenized noodles
then i almost drown as the spicy soup goes down the drain
of my stomach washing the walls
of my intestines
and the doors of
the poophole
and then there was light and well darkness because things have collapsed
billowing rubble occupied the streets and your body is camouflaged somewhere
beneath or on top or sandwiched other bodies
salvaged, rotten, ailing, fresh, alive, warm and cold
all barfing noodles out of their pores.
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