maligayang kaarawan boi

tatlong mahahalagang mga bagay na pinaalala mo sa akin:

-kapag alam mong tama ka, nasa tamang lugar, at nasa katwiran, wala kang dapat ikatakot.
ipaglaban mo ang dapat mong ipaglaban.

-gawin mo na lahat ng magagawa mo. tipong bigyan mo ng deadline ang sarili mo.
walang imposible.

-pagtulong ng walang inaantay na kapalit. patuloy na pagtulong sa lahat ng pwedeng tulungan.

anyway, gusto ko lang magpasalamat dito.

tsaka gusto ko lang sabihin sa'yo na ipagpatuloy mo ang mga magagand among gawain sa mundo. malaki ang puso mo.
:D happy birthday!


the drop

we met online.

this is the short version of our brief story.

i accidentally found you at the digital meeting ground as my roommate searches for an alternative companion in life.

your round, hazel, beady eyes caught my attention and took me away from the waves of distractions flashing in front of me.

your profile tells us how far away you lives but me and my friend still decided to travel.

it's worth it.

you greeted us with your warm smile. there is something in your unkept black and brown hair that resonates charm and innocence. it was an instant connection.

i really like you but my friend wanted you.

he took you home.

i was really happy for him because i know he really likes you.
a lot.
from the moment he set eyes on you i knew that he would do anything to get you.

i was happy for you both.

i was happy because i get to see you often. your warm hugs, your smile, and your stare that pierces my walls and goes straight to the inner trenches of my soul- never fails to captivate me.

i don't know much about you but there is something inside me that draws me close to solitude.

whenever you look at me i feel sadness. not like a suicidal kind of sadness but just something that is plain sad. there is longingness in there. you know that feeling when you just wanna hug somebody all the time to comfort them? that kind of feeling.

our interactions were brief.

i only get to see you in between work or whenever we all hangout together.

then newsflash.
amber alert.

you were sick. like the cliche scenario in most dramatic telenovelas and like when romantic books-turned-to-movies-kind-of-way turn of events happen- you were sick.

we didn't know. nobody knows actually. your profile did not say anything about it.

my instinct kind of knows. my gut (as olivia pope would always say) told me something.

point is, you have to go.

you have to leave.

as soon as the news break out familiar feelings of sadness, longing, powerlessness, and their relatives create undulating waves creating chaos inside me.

farewells. i know these feelings. i should know how to deal with this way better at tis point in my life.

there is something oddly comforting about this familiar feeling of longing and the uncertainty of not knowing what's ahead.

it's like riding a rollercoaster as it ascends you way up to the drop point. this is the feeling you have before it drops. you know you gonna be dropped but the uncertainty of when you will be dropped is creating this churning chaos inside you. that feeling is what i felt.

and then drop.

from that point on you just gotta let go and enjoy the ride and trust that you will never fall in between and crash your skull and break your bones and eventually survive in a morbid kind of way.

it's crazy when feelings develop and then the universe tells you to let go quick.

that's our journey.

our brief rollercoaster journey.

farewell to you alice.

wishing you the best and hopefully you find the right person to adopt you from the shelter.



i've been hanging out inside my head recently.

at the moment, it seems like a safe, comfortable haven to nurture whatever thoughts i brew and pour and swim in and out around the lake of my imaginations.

i know the universe is telling me something major when it is dropping apparent signs here and there that some things are meant to go and that new things are coming.

for instance, i lost my daily planner containing well, my plans for this year. i also lost 3 years' worth of digital files of my work. it's like having data miscarriage twice. both feels very different but same in many levels pertaining to loss.

in any case, i am highly thankful to some things that gives me positive energy and feelings. things like a nice, sweet baklava desert, text and voice messages, stories, movies, music, singing, drawing, reading, writing and doing art.

inside my head you can peek into my plans of traveling the world and just enjoying what life have to offer. inside, you can also see visions of my fulfilled dreams, my vogue covers, my six houses, and my hand holding whoever that special person's hand as we sit quiet and content watching the flickering lights of the eiffel tower in paris.

i've learned throughout this course of my life that it is more fun to let go and just go with the flow.

it's like bunjee jumping off a cliff or riding the world's fastest and tallest roller-coaster with life-affirming passion paired with the freedom of reckless abandon.


sa susunod yayakapin na kita

sa kumbento.
sa simbahan.
sa harap ng mga madreng nagtuturo ng regina coeli.
sa pagitan ng mga anghel na sinusukatan ng pakpak para sa salubong.

sa susunod yayakapin na kita.

bago pa hugutin ng tatay ko yung mga pakpak ko mula sa likod.

bago pa ako makaladkad papunta sa malamig na upuan ng ordinaryong baliwag na pinamamahayan ng alikabok.

bago pa ako makatikim ng halo-halong pakiramdam ng lungkot, kawalang kapangyarihan, pangungulila, saya (?), at marami pang iba.

sa susnod yayakapin na kita.

bago pa ako sumakay sa dalawampung taong paikot-ikot ng roller-coaster na buhay.

sa susunod yayakapin na kita.

bago pa ako makatikim
at manakawan ulit ng sariwang hangin
ng oras
ng pagkakataon

sa susunod yayakapin na kita.

sa ilalim ng bilog na buwan.
sa disyerto ng petra.
sa kalawakan.

sa susunod yayakapin na kita.

bilang may kalayaan na ako na gawin ang gusto ko.
para maramdaman ko ang mga kwento mo.
para maramdaman mo ang mga kwento ko.

sa susunod yayakapin na kita.


sa hangin

sa dumamping sariwang hangin mula sa nakaraan na nagdala ng malakas na ihip ng pag-asa at inspirasyon;

inspirasyon hindi lang sa pagsusulat muli, kundi sa pagharap sa buhay na may baong liwanag at siguradong tagumpay.


back to timeline

sablay ang oras ng blog na 'to.

inayus ko yung oras para makapag-post ako ng blog ayun sa oras ng bagong taon sa pinas.

pakiramdam ko ako si barry allen (flash) or si scarlett witch or legion ng marvel na kayang baguhin ang time-space continuum para umayon sa gusto ko ang mga bagay bagay. well, gusto ko lang naman mag-post ng tamang new year blog.

pero bilang andaming ganap sa akin noon, kinailangan kong i-adjust ang oras. sa napakaikling pagkakataon, nakareamdam ako ng kapangyarihan.

anyway, point is, sablay ang oras ng blog na 'to.

at bilang nakakapagsulat na ako ulit pagkatapos ng dalawang taon, hello.

at hello sa'yo na nagbabasa nito.


the case of a coward star

mamang would always say:

“open your heart. find a brave star and engulf yourself with its flames. burn. burn with your hands and your lips locked as you swirl and swim around the vast universes; shine bright as you both explode and illuminate the worlds with the power of your passion. make an explosion. be brave.”

i thought i found a brave star but it was just an ember.

i opened my heart and embraced the enticing light of this promising bright ember from a long dead star, floating across the universe billions of fucking light years away from a constellation resembling a lone wolf.

the sparks faded.

i think i did something brave.


the bigger photo

a: that was amazing.
b: i don’t remember that.
a: i remember this.
b: how about we put them together? that makes a better photo doesn’t it?


someday you will find

that someone who will never ever stop you to sing.

that someone who will sing with you in harmony.



on serenity

Serenity to accept what we cannot change, courage to change what we can, and wisdom to know the difference -tilda swinton


some nights

i crave you like a crave ice cream on a random midnight evening
i mean, i miss you. and i wanna tell you this but i decided not to because the fear of another no and any kind of rejection from you overpowers me.

i think i lost my ring at a wedding

i am panicking the whole day,
i am looking for it still though.
though a part of me thought that fuck yeah now we are quits, i value the shit though. so i will never cease to look for it.


quoting fyodor

"For, after all, you do grow up, you do outgrow your ideals, which turn to dust and ashes, which are shattered into fragments; and if you have no other life, you just have to build one up out of these fragments. And all the time your soul is craving and longing for something else. And in vain does the dreamer rummage about in his old dreams, raking them over as though they were a heap of cinders, looking in these cinders for some spark, however tiny, to fan it into a flame so as to warm his chilled blood by it and revive in it all that he held so dear before, all that touched his heart, that made his blood course through his veins, that drew tears from his eyes, and that so splendidly deceived him!"

- Fyodor Dostoevsky, White Nights


this is soshana speaking

idk why i still share shit even if i feel like you don't really care.
no, you're not interested. i mean you don't even ask me how i am/how my week was or something like that shit. i mean idk. like idk.


sage is not a good idea

never ask for questions that would still give you a NO answer despite it being a yes.
for instance:

"have you eaten yet?"

response: yes

which clearly translates to NO you can't ask me out because i already ate.



the flickering embers of the rapidly dying cigarette spoke to me:
"what's wrong?"

nothing. same shit. i mean, nothing new.
i guess i just feel helpless. you know that feeling when you feel alone because you know you really can't do about a certain situation? it fuckin sucks man. but that is life. that happens. change happens. people make decisions. people change. there are situations that you have no power or control at all.
motherfucking shit i feel so powerless whenever i see shit. and by shit i mean their shit together. it rips and tears me apart into tiny lil burning pieces like the beautiful orange micro embers that forms a flowery pattern at each cigarette i smoke.


i can't.


you will drown, you motherfucker.


another dear neko post

i can't sleep. i tried to drown myself with 5 mugs of coffee. it's 5 am now. i think. i have a job later. i want to smoke. i want to have a discussion with you about change. i just read sandman: brief lives. life and hopefully (pain) and other shit would feel brief as well. i am angry still. or irritated. or something. i should never check his instagram. i mean fuck them both. hard. in their motherfucking ass. two years more neko, we'll see. hopefully the pain and shit will expire by then. i mean, look at me telling my friends that "happiness is a motherfucking choice" but here i am, still feeling the blow of being replaced by idk. in any case, despite the fact that i will see you in a month or so, i miss you. and good lord i am motherfucking excited to see you. i think i just have to disensitize myself with their shit. i mean, i do not need his love. i do not need his validation. lots of people want me in their lives. so fuck them who don't want me at all. fuck them. haha. i am titanium. i am echoing my playlist. cause i have an elastic heart. you go sia! haha. i swear i am not high. i tried to sleep but weird dreams haunt me. not bad though. just felt like there were creatures crawling at my skin. neko, be strong. do not fucking die on me okay?


kiss that shit

i remember saying i don't know when you asked me "how did we get here?'
and by that you mean how did we get to be naked in the middle of a hot make-out session after several months of not being intimate with each other.

although i am physically tired and most of my senses are high as a kite, my brain still works perfectly.

i mean for the record, here's what happened:
i think i fell asleep sideways beside you as the hobbit: desolation of smaug plays on your tv. i have no intentions of touching you. i mean my mind dreams of it but last night i am summoning all of my courage to not touch you and to not place myself in any situation where can hurt me again.

in any case, you came closer to me. or your body came closer to me. from behind you spooned me and hugged me. it felt nice. i do not know how to react so i just let the situation take care of itself. plus as i have mentioned i am motherfucking high as shit. 

then in the midst of spooning me, your hand went inside my boxers and grabbed my dick and then jerked me off. you stopped. at the back of my neck you almost kissed me. i felt your warm breath enveloping my back. i have to admit it felt nice.

after  few minutes or hours (the hobbit is already done) our already sweaty bodies broke off each other. i veered towards the right, you to the left. and then minutes later you spooned me again, was kissing my neck, then jerked me off. good lord that felt nice so i reacted. i twisted my body to face you. you hugged me. closer. our throbbing members rubbing against each other. i tried to kiss you. you resisted. i tried to kiss you. you moved your face away. i tried to kiss you but you closed your lips as if i am some scary shit in front of you. dude that hurts man. i mean, fuck you. i know you woyld rather kiss a motherfucking stranger than me. but hey, fuck you.

then that's the moment when you asked me that fucking question of "how did we get here?"
i persisted. i got the kiss the i wanted. i know you want tol fuck yo i miss you and somehow deep inside me i know that you miss me too.

i miss your body. i miss being intimate with you.

but never again will any intimacy tie me and my emotions to nyone, especially you.

like what i have been telling myself over and over again: never ever let yourself be hurt again.


what waits for you at home matters

you will go home from work
tired, sore, stressed and ready to
let go of your day

cute puppies would greet you
then you have people to share your day with
actual people

your friends
our friends
but point is they are your friends who you usually see whenever
you want to
smoke a bowl
or eat midnight snacks
and get high

like you have your room there
your newly cleaned and re-arranged room and
semi-soft bed waiting for you
but you have that tiny
connecting your room to your friends' room
so whenever you
want to play
or smoke
or just talk
you have


i don't.

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