today

i want to write the saddest lines about the longest night of my life but i can't. lately, most nights seem eternal. my days seem to be devoid of light despite the actual warmth and shine of the sun and all the other bright and sparkly things around me. i want to write the saddest lines about the seemingly longest and coldest walk and travel that i ever did but i can't. it is long not because of the distance itself but because it's as if time froze, and with that comes an overbearing sense of coldness- the non physical kind mixed with the actual physical phenomenon. pain, hurt, whatever it is, mixed with all of this coldness embraced me and made my senses numb. i want to write the saddest lines about how i can't seem to cry anymore but i can't. maybe i will not cry anymore. maybe for the next few days, months, years, i will not be able to cry anymore. not because i can't but because it just feels like it. it feels like warmth has totally escaped me. i actually want to walk. walk and walk and walk nonstop. walk and walk and walk nonstop while praying. walk and walk and walk nonstop and praying that eventually down the road that i travel, i meet you again and that i may be able to smile again and perhaps feel warmth or whatever it is. i am still praying, still hoping. anyway, i will walk and walk and walk until all of my desires to write the saddest lines about the longest and the coldest cease. i can't write them. not because i can't but because the next time i write lines, i want it to be not sad even if it's about the briefest, the hottest, and you know, anything but cold and sad.

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i don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
(not a daniel beddingfield fan but this song plays randomly in my head this morning)