“i wanna make art with you.” you whispered softly to my ear when we entered my room for a few seconds of privacy. your breath was warm, your voice was calm, your spirit was firm, your eyes- your insanely beautiful blue eyes that transport me to different places fixed their gaze at me; and that made my heart leap galaxies.
it was my birthday.
it could easily be misheard as “i wanna make love with you.” but art? you mentioned art and it is way fucking sexy and romantic than anything else that i have ever heard before.
you know you’re the only person who told me that in an intimate, romantic, passionate way.
i took it as a sign. you know, that green light that would further elevate our newborn relationship into greater heights- sharing our lives through art; goddamn neat.
art is subjective. art is unpredictable. art is like a free spirit that transforms, develops, wrecks, builds, connects and makes the universe a whole lot crazier.
you know, that moment made you mean a whole lot more to me. you are dear. very very dear.
i mean, our first meeting was one of the happiest nights of my life, but that moment when you told me that you want to make art with me, was golden- something that i will cherish forever.
i need you. you are important. and i am telling this to you so that you know. please don’t misinterpret this as a sign of obsessive dependence because it is far from that. i know i can take care of myself and that i am an independent person but still, being with you makes things more special. you know what i mean?
you calm the chaos of my heart. you tame the thunderstorms of my mind.
i don’t know how you do that but with you, i feel safer.
spending time with you, creating art with you, learning and experiencing life with you makes it more vibrant, meaningful and worth fighting for.
you taught me a lot. one of that is being brave.
at this point when thunderstorms are around us, when dark clouds loom above and cold air embraces us and continuously push us to a cliff that leads to a seemingly infinite abyss, i will use the bravery that you gave me. i will be brave. for me. for you. for us.
and with this courage, i will try my best to learn from my mistakes and be a better person. with this courage i will move forward and fight for whatever it is that we have. i will never give up on us.
i can never make my past experiences and my internal issues as an excuse for my shortcomings regarding communication. i will resolve this. i want things to be ok again.
i just want you to know that you’re one of the few closest people in my life so please please don’t let go.
can we still make more art together?
i know i failed in many aspects. i failed to listen.
i never listened. i never listened to your heartbeats
i never listened to your sighs.
i never listened to your thoughts.
i never listened properly to you.
i am a failed communicator.
and i am really sorry.
i will try my best to understand if you want me out of the picture.
perhaps i am not really the type worth staying with.
perhaps i am not really the person worth fighting for.
perhaps i do not come across as the long term kind of guy.
yes. people leave me because i am complicated, i don’t listen, perhaps not entertaining enough, needy, and impatient. yes, i do have these traits somewhere deep inside me and they resurface during random moments.
perhaps i am really better off alone eh? i can’t help but blame myself for all of these occurrences in my life.
since i was young, people i love and care leave me. they have their reasons of course, but people leave. i don’t hate them. i really don’t want to entertain hate in my life right now. i respect each and every person’s action towards me.
i will never force anyone into my life. maybe there’s something wrong with me? yeah, there should be.
it’s always like this.
but i will be brave anyway,
you taught me that.
i am still hoping. i will continue hoping that things could be better.
i don’t know. i am at a limbo right now.
i love you so much.
i wish it’s my birthday again.