self serve

dead squid dancing with soy sauce

this morning as he drove me along the street decorated with strip clubs, i encountered again his old authoritarian self from 18 years ago.

the moment he pulled out that huge plate of a plan, i immediately knew that he will be on a force-feeding frenzy.

the steaming plan he served this morning glows of hope and promise like the ones from the past. it was tempting, almost sumptuous, and inviting.
i’ve learned my lessons.
like all the other dishes that he force fed me before, this one’s glow was not meant to last.

he said he wants to purchase a house.

not here though. he wants a house somewhere in our homeland- a place filled with hope, a refuge full of the possibility of a peaceful, greener pasture. a dream conceived within a whirlpool of dreams fulfilled and unfulfilled.

he used to force-feed me bowls and plates of food in one meal. i used to eat a whole serving plate of rice with bowls and bowls of different kinds of viands.

i used to eat a lot because of fear.

my dad was a hardcore straight-up soldier who threatens to beat the crap out of me should i fail to finish my meals. his ways taught me the value of food. i grew up as a fat kid wearing a 36” waistline.

he force fed me.

he forced fed me not only with food but also with words.

he was the first person to ever feed me the word initiative.

perhaps it’s in his nature to share and feed us pots of unsolicited advices and opinions about life. it’s a feast whenever he talks. there are huge bowls of unfertilized ideas, platters of inchoate dreams, pitchers of unplanned ideas and lots of cups of hope.

don’t get me wrong, i appreciate and see his efforts to satiate our family’s hunger for a better life.

fatherly instincts, i get that. but force feeding? not so much.

most of the half-baked plans and inchoate dreams never hatch into something concrete and successful.

today he’s acting like a chef of ideas but with alzheimer’s.

he will try to make something but then will eventually forget the actual procedure, goals and motivations of the menu. what seems to be a profound dish from the start will usually turn into something pointless afterwards.

initiative.

i should know better and cook my own meals.

time to eat the meals u deserve.

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dead frogs