perhaps it can help if i will just let my mind wander alone and think about you if i can’t help it. i will still smile in the morning and compose you a morning greeting. only this time, i will save it to my phone’s drafts folder to be deleted later.
i will dial your number from the phonebook of my thoughts and i will leave you a mental voicemail. i will tell you about how my night went, about the projects that i’m doing, and how i am coping up with you know what. i’ll tell you about the rumored gadgets to be launched by apple as well as the awesome personalized music video of the canadian band arcade fire rendered in pure html5 awesomeness by google via google chrome.
at work, i will compose an imaginary email and share to you jessica zafra’s article entitled clods that talks about the competent and the incompetent people in the workplace and how lots of incompetent people get more credit and benefits than those who really do the job. it also speaks of a familiar person from your workplace who complains most of the time but is actually a hardcore incompetent employee of the company.
by mid-day i will tell you about my happy meal lunch combo. there’s a spicy chicken leg piece, sinigang na salmon, spam, and adobo. i will ask you if you had taken your lunch already. my mind will answer with a preconceived reply. pasta. fresh and easy. all of this, i will whisper in the air.
i will surreptitiously check my phone if the ghost of a blank text message decided to take a visit from the past.
sometime around 3, i will tell you about the restaurant that serves unlimited pasta with unlimited types of sauces that is called olive garden. i will send you an email in white colored font. you will never reply.
on the bus to the subway, i will send you a make believe phone call. smiling, laughing about random shits, and listening to your day’s worth of activities. i might also tell you about the lady who crashed straight to my chest earlier this morning as i rode the bus.
at night, i will think of you and pray to the universe for the nth time to give you peace.
all of these circus acts i will do with up dharma down’s taya and tadahana and no doubt’s don’t speak playing on loop at the background.
i will do these over and over hoping to eventually tire myself, worn myself, and exhaust myself until my muscles, my mind and my heart goes weary and give up voluntarily.
it doesn’t matter if i do my somersaults and pirouettes and acrobatics without any audience because from this day on, my audience is myself. this might lead to selective amnesia. and i want it bad.