Throwback Thirst Day

over the past couple of days different parts of me have been collectively inspiring me to message you and tell you how much i miss you. 

there is a cacophony of various whispers in my head.

different versions of: "can we sleep together again?" and "can i kiss you?" and "can i cuddle with you?" would echo back and forth your brain as it gets louder and louder down to your chest.

then at the chest area you will experience that loud bang. that loud thud. that loud motherfucking blow of emotion that you don't want to feel. well shit like those happens.

and really, even as i am typing this i am so tempted to grab my phone and send you a message but i guess my fear of another NO and rejection from you is stronger nowadays.

it's like the other day when one of my recent crush told me out of the blue this statement:

"as much as i like you because you are so handsome, smart and really charming, i want you to understand that i will never pursue any romantic or physical relationship with you."

his statement totally crushed me. not because i like him so much that i felt so fuckin rejected but because hsi statement resonates so strongly with what you always tell me:
1. that you do not reciprocate any romantic love from me
2. that despite the fact that you like me, i am smart, charming, etc, you can never be in a relationship with me
3. that i deserve someone better
4. that you can never be committed and monogamous
5. that you don't wanna have sex with me anymore (though you do not deliberately express that)

i miss you. you fucker.  i will probably just keep it here. why? because the probability of you reading my thoughts from this space is zero.  because you don't have the time. because you simply do not care. 


1 comment:

JapaneseAdobo said...

rejection can come from different things from the one rejecting. I have had my fair share of those moments when you badly wanna be with someone to hug, kiss, make love with him; but then you're afraid to initiate another invite only because you know that answer will be NO.

it is so nice to find your blog. I am now a fan

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