of mourning

"why do you cry?" 
he asked.

it took me a while to gather a response.

in that moment my body was drowned with the ocean of heartbeats and lightning flashbacks.

there's that random feelings of loss- and it gives my back chills like an icy wind on a still starless evening.

it feels like a hole has been punched through the hard wall that i built to protect my heart.


thing is i rarely cry. i find it hard to open because i think it makes you really vulnerable to a lot of things.

in that moment, i felt the gush of emotion flowing out of the broken walls of the dam that i built.

"why do you cry?"

it feels like another heartbreak. wait, no. i should be used to that feeling already so it can't be.

loss. yeah, it's more about loss. the fear of losing over and over and over again. the fear of losing someone so special, someone so precious to someone else.

"why do you cry?"

it's because of the fucking memories and all the what could have beens. the things that i could have done with you. the things that i could do only with that special someone. which is just a far-fetched idea.

"why do you cry?"

i am selfish. i want you. but i know that by default you don't really own anyone and can never own anyone because at the end of the day it is you and yourself that matters.

"why do you cry?"

i am jealous. but i know i should not be because we are not in any kind of any romantic relationship anyway.

i hate how my mind think of you doing things to strangers to other people who may or may not really care for you at all.

"why do you cry?"

because i still wish that someday we will be together. and again, given that this possibility is such a far-fetched idea, it breaks my heart into infinite pieces.

"why do you cry?"

because i have never cried for a while. because it always feels like goodbye. although i know we already agreed of not leaving each other. of staying at each other's lives for as long as we can.

"why do you cry?"

the complicated situation

"why do you cry?"

because i am sad. not like suicidal i don't know how to be happy sad. sad because it hits me. it just hits me hard in the core/. and it sucks because just when i got a new life because of you, i felt like i have to lose and let go of another.

"why do you cry?"

security.

i long for security.

i want someone who i can just hold hands with. i want someone who i can spend time with even without talking. i want someone that i can cuddle with.  want someone that i can kiss slowly, passionately over and over again. i want someone whom i can freely express my love with- someone who i can say "i love you" over and over and over again. 

"why do you cry?"

because i just want to feel something real. be loved by that someone who could love me for who i am, accept me despite all flaws and shits.

"why do you cry?"

because I imagine you sleeping with other people, sharing passion with them, sharing a kiss with them, shaing intimacy with them instead of me.

"why do you cry?"

because i don't want to lose faith in love and romance.

though at this point my mind and heart say it is just all a bunch of crap. 

"why do you cry?"

and i am crying as i fucking write this. maybe to let go. maybe to revel in the pain. maybe because crying sometimes make you feel really good. 

"why do you cry?"

fear.

i am too scared of disappointment to start all over again.

"why do you cry?"

because i love you.

---------------------------------------------------------------

the person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing.