of questioning the intangible

debra lewis sings very special on the radio as he prepares his monologue to his fog smeared reflection in front of the mirror.

“all my love is all i have
and my dreams are very special”

where is this frustration steaming from?

is it because you think you love the person more than the person loves you before?
is it because somehow, deep down in the abyss of your subconscious, you feel less loved, less special, and less important? crap.
how do you gauge that shit thought of yours huh? is it the lesser number of i love yous? is it the fewer amount of sms? is it the absence of smileys? wtf.
you, of all people should know that smileys, the words i-love- and you plus all the other cheesy-mushy sms, are just arbitrary signs and symbols that can never really be used to gauge a person’s love.
wait, is there really a love meter out there? i don’t know.

can you measure love? maybe not.

you often say i love you in almost every medium and way possible whenever you feel an eruption of feelings. you do love the person that much that you just have to keep on saying i love yous every now and then eh? you were never like that as far as your memory tells you.

“all my life i've looked for you
and today my dreams come true”

now you think it is your entire fault. all this feelings that make you feel crap right now is the product of your over expression. you know very well that you should never expect anything in the first place. you know that! what? has your rationality been shut down since your heart operates non-stop with love?

and so you try to repress yourself. yes, you told yourself to say i love you, i miss you and whatever words of affection you have in your arsenal in moderation. no, you don’t want to say those words at all.
and yes, you repress your feelings. and then what? it still hurts right? what an idiot.

going against the flow of love is like betraying your instincts, it is like messing up with your mind, it is like postponing the beats of your heart, it is denying the natural order of things, it is going against the universe! look what you get now.

you feel pain thrusting its claws deep in your head. you feel your heart pumping irregular beats. you feel your muscles ache. nausea posses you.

you think love can be quantified? i don’t think so.

so what is this bullshit about?

“you need me and i need you
love and us is very special”

when you try to measure the love of the person you love, you don’t really measure love per se, you are measuring the person. you are measuring the person’s ability to say i love you, the person’s reactions to your sms, the person’s sensitivities, the person’s sensuality.

you know very well that it should never be the case. you remember one seemingly stupid joke you heard about love.

“love is not the question, it is the answer.”

sounds stupid but it could make sense if you think about it.

how can you succumb to the doubt, the opposite of trust, to rule over your heart and mind when you very well know that you love the person? wait, you never had doubts regarding your love for the person. you have doubts regarding the person’s love for you.

you need to get back to your senses soon. i doubt if you can keep up with this i will not say i love you to you every second of the day façade.

you know, love will always be there but the feelings fluctuate.

the level and the intensity of love is everchanging so never expect your love to be reciprocated in the same level, amount or intensity because it is impossible. take note, you cannot measure love. you learn that in grade school, love is intangible.

you need to get a life.

“love and life and life is loving, it's very special”

he turns his back against the mirror, grabs his phone and said i love you.

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