when a star fades

i tried to reach for her hand but the force field of silence that she built hours ago made my hands stiff. it was an unusual night for us.
she was silenced by her thoughts, i was silenced by her stern and flat face.
each time i walk her home, it’s either i rave about my day’s adventures or we both rant about the repressions and the harshness of the decaying society.

it was a very unusual night for me.
it was at that moment of silence that i felt intimate with my feelings for her.
her beauty glows beyond the faint lights of the street,
her charm amplified by her silence, resonated all over my body.

clouds that threaten the earth with downpour covered the constellations that she often checks every time i walk her home.
i wondered if the gloomy weather has affected her sudden silence.
i thought it could have been the pull of the moon but i was not even aware if the moon was close enough to the earth to pull the tides.


she did not speak the whole time.
not a kiss, not a hug. not even a goodbye came out of her mouth.

i felt lucky i was able to take a glance at her eyes moistened with tears as she tried her best to cover it from view.

the eyes speak of the soul’s language.
but the language of the soul is too subjective that most of the time, it bypasses even the most basic level of the mind’s comprehension

it must have been the stars.
i never thought stars could also stir up human emotions.

i am completely aware that there is nothing certain in the universe.
i know that there is no such thing as eternity.
stars die.

when a star fades,

a constellation is broken.

fucked and furious (tokyo drift)

rene accidentally stepped on the accelerator after he heard her reply.

uhm. you have to understand. we’re just friends. and that’s about it.

he could see her tremble through his periphery as he sped the car 180 over the expressway.
he reached for the volume’s dial and turned it full playing rem’s losing my religion.
her shaky hands tried to tune it down but rene’s hand was quick to hold her’s back.
they traced the highway as if racing with the 18 wheeler trailer trucks and container vans.

rene’s discombobulated mind was clouded with flashbacks of their misinterpreted relationship.

each time he got occasional blindness from the headlights of the approaching vehicles from the opposite way, he was brought back to the afternoon in her dormitory, the evenings on his bed, and the constant morning walks on the village.

he saw himself waiting for her outside their all-girls dormitory gate despite hours of ennui, only to find out that she already went to class.

he saw himself one afternoon eating lunch with her when another afternoon scene instantly followed. he saw himself soaked in sweat after swimming on clouds of kitchen smoke preparing lunch for her, only to find out that she just had lunch with another guy.

he felt her perfectly molded lips once more, he felt her tongue fighting back every kiss he made, and her soft body coated with hot steam of sweat. he saw himself making love with her as if all the time was theirs.

that's me in the corner
that's me in the spotlight
losing my religion…

more and more images of what he then considered was part of his illusory past flashed vividly as he gained more acceleration on the speedway.

enveloped with fear that something terrible might happen, raika tried to break rene’s train of thoughts by kissing his right cheek.

rene accelerated faster, overtaking vehicles and trucks trailing the speedway. he gave raika a quick glance and focused his way on the road.

i’m taking you home now.

rene.wait. you listen first. i like you

you liked me to use me.

i did not ask you to do those things for me.

you know me. you knew i love you. don’t you?

friendly love. brotherly love.

we had sex a couple of times sister.

friendly intercourse.

i thought we made love.

made out.

you moved out.

no. you disappeared. you sailed on with your career and left me floating alone in the middle of the sea.

damn. it was just a year! i have to work to live.

i have a life to live.

a year isn’t that long to wait.

a year without any contact is like waiting for the dead to walk again.

i thought he was boring.

yes, but he was with me.

you were rich that’s why you never realize the importance of earning for your living.

please don’t underestimate me. i do appreciate your efforts.

rene swerved to dodge a speeding trailer truck.

you’ve said enough. i’m taking you home.

wait! rene. uhm. you see, my doors are still open for the possibility that, you know. (forced a smile)

as if the words of raika were that powerful, rene stepped hard on the break that put the speeding car into a sudden halt.

flashbacks of rene’s illusory past and present all hurled on his face as an 18 wheeler trailer truck crashed its way on their car.

music still plays:

Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion …

scream and sing like you own the world

umuulan ng malakas sa quezon city.

rain rain go away
come again another day
little children want to play

sigaw tayo! kanta!
rakrakan! chill!
woohoo!
kanta sa banyo,
sa kalye,
sa pasilyo, sa parke, sa grandstand,
sa freedom park,
sa damuhan,sa loob ng bag, kanta tayo!

naalala ko tuloy kagabi nang ikulong ko sa malaking janspot bag si raymund ng bandang sandwich.
hataw pa rin siya sa kabila ng init at kakulangan ng hangin.

wag magpapigil sa panahon,
wag magpapigil sa hiya,
ikanta mo lang yan!

kung si paris hilton nga na di naman kagandahan ang boses, rumaraket na ngayon sa pagkanta,ikaw pa kaya.

walang pakialaman.



kanya-kanyang lyrics na 'to.

lyrics.ko

lyrics ko, lyrics mo!

melon akong, mais, gulaman,
maari bang mag-talong?


...nandito ako umiibig sa'yo.

++++

uod



mga apatid. ayo ay mag-amaama
iwaayway na ang bandera rak en roll anggang umaga!
uod!

+++

may kumaway downtown




walking fast, faces past and i'm homebound.
staring blankly ahead, just making my way, making my way to the crowd...

+++

first week high- busy. busy.

hindi pa ako enrolled. woohoo!
kulang-kulang ang subjects ko.

it started when we were younger we were nine...

my boo!

busy.busy.busy.
ikinasal na si barbie almalbis.

buti na lang lumitaw si hot momma nelly furtado para kantahan ako.


promiscuous girl
wherever you are
i’m all alone
and it's you that i want


********
condolence to the family of leo "xl" fuentes,
university student council vice chairperson, uplb.
his father was said to be shot to death by an alleged military officer.
stop state facism!
scream for justice!
********

lalong lumakas ang buhos ng ulan

2886

ikaw si 2886.
nakasuot ka ng beatles inspired na polo shirt mula sa artwork na tinernuhan mo ng kupas na maong mong pantalon.
naka-rubber shoes kang puti na medyo nangutim na sa alikabok at putik.
naglagay ka ng gel para maayos ang makapal mong buhok.

3 oras, 24 minuto at 15 segundo kayong pumila ng bespren mong babae sa labas ng sm.
maka-ilang ulit ka ring nagdalawang isip kung tutuloy ka ba o hindi.
ang matinding init ng katanghalian at haba ng pila ang ilang mga bagay na nakapagpahina ng loob mo.
dagdag pa ang paulit-ulit na kwento ng babaeng mahilig mag-retouch sa unahan mo, na kailangan daw magsayaw dahil may talent portion daw.

patay na! anong gagawin mo?

naisip mo biglang hindi ka pala marunong sumayaw.
pagkanta na lang. ayos naman boses mo.
naisip mo ring manggaya na lang ng boses. pwede namang talent yun.
sinubukan mong kumalma pero hindi maitago sa iyong mukha ang kaba.
siyempre, first time mo ‘to.

nang umusad ang pila, mas lalong bumilis ang kabog ng iyong dibdib,
sabi mo parang nung naholdap ka sa may fairview.
pero hindi. ibang klaseng kabog ito. hindi mo maipaliwanag.
kinakabahan ka dahil umuusad na ang pila.

kanya-kanyang ayos na ang mga tao sa paligid.
kanya-kanyang retouch.
kanya-kanyang pagpa-practice ng kanilang mga gagawin at sasabihin.

napaisip ka na naman kung ano nga ba ang gagawin mo.
pero kinumbinsi mo ang sarili mo na magiging ok ang lahat.
kapusin ka man sa itsura, may ibubuga ka naman sa maraming paraan.
nag-angas ka ng asta pero kinakabahan ka pa rin.

mabilis na umusad ang pila papalapit sa stage.
maliwanag ang ilaw.
may nakapuwestong camera sa harap na akala mo isa sa mga judges na pipili sa mga kalahok.
tinawag ang batch ng linya niyo.
nasabi mo sa sarili mo: sa wakas, pagkatapos ng init at ng pagkangawit, eto na.

mga 30 segundo lang kayong nakatayo sa harapan pero isang araw ang katumbas noon sa’yo.
isang araw na pinapiyestahan ng maraming mga usyosero’t usyosera ang iyong pagkatao.
sinuri ka na akala mo naka x-ray vision goggles sila.
pakiramdam mo, isang araw kang hinubaran ng tingin ni laurenti dyogi at ng kanyang mga alagad. pakiramdam mo, ikaw ang araw, silang lahat ang planeta.
puro ka kasi pakiramdam, hindi mo napakiramdaman ang itsura mo sa harap.

mabilis lang natapos ang isang araw na yun para sa’yo.
mabilis na tinapos ng salitang thank you.
napili pala nina ginoong dyogi yung babaeng puno ng foundation sa unahan mo.

paglabas mo sa bakuran ng stage,
napangiti ka dahil nagawa mo na naman ang isang bagay na gusto mong gawin.

pumunta kayo ni bespren sa starbucks para pawiin ang pagod.

habang ninanamnam mo ang mamahaling kape,
naisip mong dapat madaling araw pa lang ay pumila ka na.
naisip mo rin na magandang ideya ang dumating ng sobrang late para fresh ka pa kapag tinignan ka ni mr dyogi at ng kanyang mga alagad.

naisip mong pwede ka namang magdala ng damit sa susunod.
naisip mo rin na kung matatanggap ka kaya kung pinuno ba ng foundation ni besfren ang iyong mukha.

naisip mong sa susunod, dapat namili ka ng mga tatabihan mo sa linya.
naisip mong hindi ka dapat tumabi sa mga feeling mo mas guwapo o mas maganda sa'yo.
sa gayon, mas malaki ang pagkakataon mong mapansin sa batch ninyo.

naisip mo rin na ibahagi yung naisip mo sa iba.

naisip mong artista talaga hanap nila.
hindi.
hindi artista. mga mestiso’t mestisa lang.
puro mga kulay bangus ang napasama sa huli ni ginoong dyogi.
walang kamukha ni raquel o franzen.
natawa ka na lang.
naisip mong baka pumapalya na ang star search nila kaya sa mass audition sila bumabawi.

nang maubos mo ang kape, napangiti ka.
naisip mong may 15 years ka pa para sumali.
35 yrs old ang cut-off ng edad, magsawa sila sa’yo!
naisip mong ring sayang lang ang pag-iisp mo kung kukuwestiyunin ba nila ang edad mo.
alam mo namang kaka-bente mo lang.
naisip mo, darating din ang panahon, mapapansin ka nila.

return mail

i tore open the white envelope slightly damped with sweat from my right hand. i tried to maintain the half-excited, half-nervous look to mix with the room’s ambience. as the deafening silence started to embrace each person in the room, i tried my best to hold my tears on the verge of rolling down my cheeks. i kept myself away from others so that i could read the letter thoroughly. emotions were intensified by the weather outside. rain poured down in a frenzy as if it was a projection of the collective emotions in the room.

i read the letter on the off-white paper near the window where an ample amount of light managed to make its way through the window sills. i wondered if my eyes were fooling me again. jumbled words appeared before me as if teasing me to decipher their hidden meanings. in an instant, i have read words, even sentences i usually hear from my father.

wala kang patutunguhan
ang yabang mo
sino ka ba sa akala mo? anak lang kita!
ang haba ng nguso mo

akala mo kung sino kang matalino!

random flashes of flashbacks started to hit me. the impact was so hard that it felt as if my internal organs were about to erupt. i felt the swelling feeling of heat brewing inside me as i tried to digest each word, each sentence i read from the retreat letter written on the off-white paper. the swelling feeling on my head was commanding me to tear the letter apart to release my rage. when i felt my patience was only inches away from giving up, a cold, wrinkled hand calmly pat my back and told me it was ok to cry. it was father peter’s hand. his look on me was more freezing than his hands. he smiled as he whispered on my ear god loves you.

i hid the paper from his view as if he’s a wolf preying on my letter. cry? yes. i wanted to cry during that time but my tear glands were manufacturing. maybe the vapors of rage somehow disrupted it’s normal tear production. but i did cry, internally. it was hard to read a blank letter. it was even harder to pretend that you feel almost the same as most people in the room- people sobbing, crying, and smiling because of the actual letters they’ve read. letters with actual words and sentences written by their parents or guardians, not a blank off-white paper full of illusions of having actual words and sentences.

i was the one who submitted the letter sealed in a white envelope to my class adviser back then. i remembered the night i asked my father for a retreat letter or even a note. i was not demanding him one; it was a class requirement. after a week, a night before the spiritual retreat, i asked him the letter but he replied in a stoic tone,

ano ba yang kalokohan na yan? wag mo nga akong guluhin!

it was then that i managed to find the of-white paper on my room, folded it into three and sealed it in a white envelope.

lately, while clearing my file basket, i managed to find the white envelope with the blank off-white paper. i thought disposing it would be great since it was an added junk on my piles of files, but i ought not. i opened the letter and again, flashes of flashbacks enveloped me. amazingly i can still read words, sentences, and paragraphs from the blank paper. the letters appeared as if they were talking to me, telling me to write with them, be with them. without any hesitation, i grabbed a pen and started to fill up the off-white spaces with the spontaneous flow of black ink.

i wrote:

papa,

thank you.
salamat dahil madalas niyong sinasabing wala akong patutunguhan.
salamat dahil lagi niyo akong pinupuna at pinapagalitan.
salamat sa madalas na pagpaparamdam na ang liit-liit kong tao.
salamat sa pagsasabing ang haba ng nguso ko.
salamat nung minsang sinabihan o akong walang kwenta.
salamat dahil akala mo mahiyain ako.
salamat sa pag-aakalang adik ako, payat at basagulero.

salamat, kundi dahil sa’yo, wala akong patutunguhan.
salamat, kundi dahil sa’yo, hindi ako magiging matapang para harapin ang buhay.
salamat, kundi dahil sa’yo, hindi ko mararating ang kinatatayuan ko ngayon.

salamat sa pagpapanday sa akin.
salamat kayo ang naging ama ko.

salamat sa sulat niyo dati.

mahal ko kayo.

anak

i placed the letter on the white envelope but did not sealed it.
i placed it near his cabinet in our room.
*******

one of the greatest lesson he instilled in me was humility.

his constant nags and beating taught me that no matter how good you think you are, you are nothing but a speck of dust in the vast universe, the world will revolve even without me and that my name does not even appear as a footnote in history.

thanks papa.

this is no dyok!

walang kaso sa’min kung namamalengke siya nang naka-turtle neck.
okay lang din kahit na lagi niya kaming pinapagalitan dahil sa kaingayan.
hindi naman niya kami nilista sa behavioral record dahil sa negligence of seashells.

dati naiinis ako sa kanya kasi kakaunti lang talaga ang natutunan namin sa kanya noong high school.
t.h.e. (technology and home economics) kasi tinuturo niya, pero wala ni bahid ng teknolohiya kaming nahita mula sa kanya. sabagay, kung tutuusin, may mga kaunti naman siyang naipamana sa amin, yun ang pagiging masigasig sa paniningil at ang pagpapagaan ng problema sa pamamagitan ng pagpapatawa.

bilib ako sa tiyaga niyang maningil ng bayad sa mga miscellaneous fees ng paaralan. sa dinami-rami ng bayarin, mapa-tiles para sa simbahan, gamit sa classroom o kontribusyon para sa bishop’s chair, wala siyang pinalalampas. isa siyang dakilang tagasunod ng paaralan.

di siya mukhang komedyante pero mukhang likas naman siyang nakakatawa.
naalala ko pa nang una ko siyang makita noong first year high school pa lang ako.
posturang-postura siya at sopistikada kung manamit, maputi, may katangkaran at mahaba ang buhok, kaya naman di mo aakalaing nakakatuwa pala siyang tao.

pangalan pa lang niya panalo na-
joewanna deocareza.
joe wanna-d e o c a r e z a-

izpel it korekli en you get a plus point.

kilala siya sa buong paaralan bilang si mrs deocareza, pero binansagan naming siyang deoc-deoc (jok-jok) marahil dahil sa kanyang mga di sinasadyang mga jokes.

sa loob ng isang taon ng pagiging class adviser niya sa amin, nakaipon kami ng ilang mga di malilimutang pagkakataon na nakapagpatawa at nakapagpaisip sa amin ng matagal.

heto ang ilan:

unang lingo ng klase, namangha kami sa kanya ng sabihin niyang,

i am a up graduate!

university of pampanga!

ewan ko kung tama ba pagkakarinig ko o inaantok lang talaga ako ng mga panahong iyon pero tanda kong napuno ng mga pigil na hagikgik ang class room.
++++
heto classic,

class, tumuro bring colored putos!

kinabukasan, may dalang mga balot ng mga puto ang lahat ng estudyante. yung tipong maliliit na puto na may assorted colors at karaniwang nabibili sa goldilocks.

nang isa-isang ilabas ng mga estudyante ang dala nilang mga puto, namula siya sa galit at sinabing:

sige nga, ken you put dat in yor endex card?

++++
isang araw, naisipan niyang magpa-general cleaning.
habang taranta ang lahat sa kakautos niya ng ganito at ganun biglang tumunog ang signal para sa 3 o’clock prayer at sumigaw siya ng:

claz, let az pray,
wan, tu, tri…(habang nagsa-sign of the cross na dapat sana ay yung in the name of the father…amen.)

++++
dahil nga ubod kaming madasalin noong high school,
isa sa mga kinagawiang tradisyon ng paaralan ay ang pagdadasal ng nobena sa quadrangle habang nakabilad ang mga estudyante sa araw.

isang umaga, naatasang mamuno ng panalangin si ms. jok jok.
hindi ko agad napansin ang mga pinagsasabi niya kasi medyo may tama pa ako ng antok.
nagulat na lang ako nang karamihan na ng mga nakapilang estudyante ay nakangiti at ang ilan ay tumatawa ng malakas.
nang mahimasmasan ako dahil sa lumalakas na tawanan, eto ang narinig ko:

hell meri fol op grace, di lord is wed you…

at naulit pa.
hel meri…

noon ako unang nagdalawang isip kung nasa catholic school ba talaga ako.
++++
kung ano ang kinapal ng binibili naming libro sa t.h.e. (na hindi naman namin ginagamit) ay siya namang ininipis ng librong ginagamit na panturo sa amin ni ms. jok jok.

madalas siyang magpa-take notes pero tamad siyang magsulat.
dictation lagi ang labanan.
ayos sana ang pagdidikta, kaso naging mahirap kung malabo ang sinasabi ng nagdidikta.

isang halimbawa:

oki claz…jaz pull the wayd (pronounced as wide [wayd] ) properly and yor plot wil be in gud condition.

ha? ‘naknang ewan naman oh! anu daw? pull the wide? pull the wide what?
dahil nga sa hindi ko talaga na-gets yung sinabi niya, hiniram ko yung gamit niyang libro at dinouble-check yung sentence. eto ang nakalagay:

…just pull the weed properly and your plot will be in good condition.

hay. buti na lang way dang pasensiya namin noon.
++++
dahil nga mahilig siya sa dictation, di rin maiiwasang pati quizzes namin madalas dinidikta rin.

bago mag quiz:

claz, get one hul shet (sheet) of piper.

minsan nagpa-quiz siya na may ganitong tanong:

which do you prefer, a smooth pinis or a rough one?

at sandaling nagsitigil an gaming mga mundo sa narinig.
anu daw? tama kayang nasa catholic school ako nag-aaral?

nang ipaulit naming ang tanong, at nang nilinaw naming sa kanya kung ano yung pinis na sinasabi niya,

anu ba? parang di ko tinuro sa inyo yan!
yung wood pinis. yung ginagamit sa mga pernichors.(furnitures)

di na kami nagtanong pang muli dahil mukhang asiwa na siya. but ina lang binanggit niya yung pernichors, nakuha rin naming sa klase na wood finish pala yung ibig niyng sabihin.
++++
ayos naman sa pakikitungo sa estudyante si jok jok, pero ang isa sa mga hindi ko maintindihan sa kanya ay kung bakit ang hilig hilig niyang mag-inggles e pwede namang mag-filipino sa klase.
mabuti sana kung madali siyang intindihin. e pati mga dictionaries sumusuko sa kanya.

minsan, himalang naging tahimik ang klase namin. maaring dahil sa masyado pa noon maaga para mag-ingay o dahil tag-ulan na ata noon. ewan, basta tahimik kami noon habang nagdidiktang muli si ms. jok jok. sa kalagitnaan ng kanyang pagdidikta, bigla na lamang siyang huminto at sinabing:

wat did
you zed?

i zed, wat did you zed?

wow. ang labo. wala ngang nagsasalita sa’min tapos what did we just said?
inisip kong mabuti kung may nagsalita ba o baka nakakarinig na ng mga boses si ms jok jok, pero wala talagang nagsalita sa amin. inulit niyang muli yung sinabi niya pero mas malakas at nakapamewang na siya.

namumula na siya, indikasyong nagagalit na talaga siya. sa di sinasadyang pagkakataon, maaring sa pagkataranta ko, nakita kong nakatayo sa labas, sa may gilid ng pinto ng class room ang gaming dean for discipline. tumayo ako agad at bumati sa dean na parang robot:

good morning, mr…mabuhay!

+++
malapit na kami noon gumradweyt nang biglang umabsent ng dalawang lingo si ms. jok jok. siyempre medyo nanibago kami. walang balita sa kanya pati kanyang mga co-faculty. kami man ay nahiwagaan sa kanyang misteryosang pagkawala hangang isang araw magbalik siya na may kakaibang marka sa mukha.

meron siyang pares ng black-eye sa mukha na nagpatangos bigla sa kanyang ilong.
di namn siya kapanguan dati, pero kapansin-pansin talaga ang biglang pagtangos ng kanyang ilong.

siyempre, di kami nakapagpigil sa pag-uusisa kaya kinulit naming siya kung nagpa-nose lift nga ba siya. ang sabi lang niya,

hindi nose lift yan, na u.t.i. (urinary tract infection) lang ako.

++++
last na,
college na’ko nang huli kong makita si jok jok.
nagkita kami nang kuhanin ko yung yearbook naming tumagal ng tatlong taon.
sa tinagal-tagal ng yearbook, marami kaming nadismaya nang makitang hindi maayos ang pagkaka lay-out at sabog-sabog angmga info.
nang tanungin namin siya kung sino gumawa ng yearbook, ang sabi niya:

si anonymous.

++++
di man nakagawa ng kadakilaan o nakaimbento ng malaking bagay para sa mundo si jok jok, nag-iwan naman siya ng marka sa aming puso’t isip.

naging isa siyang matamis at mapait na paalala na marami talagang pagkukulang ang sistema ng edukasyon sa bansa. magbayad ka man ng mura o mahal na tuition, wala ka pa ring kasiguruhan ng magandang edukasyon. kahit mapadpad ka sa classroom na kumpleto ang upuan o sa may butas na dingding, makakarinig at makakarinig ka pa rin at makakatagpo ng mga:

class, des is a
rectangular saucepan

(triangular ang ginuhit)

+++

lez us ol pray,

adeney da father, the sun and the holi spirit…

emen.

tricky track

my girlfriend and i both experienced unexplainable happiness last night.
orgasmic was an understatement.
it was as if all the gaps of time were instantly filled by
constant laughter and stroll under the LB sky.
the heat of the apartment room never succeeded on its plot of detracting our happy moment.


earlier, we saw cars by disney and pixar.
again, ounces of happiness filled my system.
it was ecstacy sending chills all over me.
it was one of those rare moments when sheer, plain happiness forced your tear glands to work.

cars made up our day.
disney and pixar did a great job.

we parted ways with a kiss, both feeling the innocent joy that we've been experiencing since last night.

i know i should have remembered the feeling well.
not long after we parted, the joy slowly faded away as if it was carried by the wind caused by the overspeeding bus.

as i arrived home, i received an sms from my girlfriend telling me that she was robbed of her wallet and flash drive.

i tried to comfort her immediately, but it appeared that the plain, innocent happiness that she had last night was also gone.

plain loneliness and depression out of nowhere started to shroud over me.
****
emotional roller coasters can be really tricky.

silenced screams-so what?

today is world ocean day.
in line with this, the philippines was pronounced as the center of marine biodiversity in the world

so what?
so what if our country (the philippines) was very very rich in natural resouorces?
so what if we use our resources inefficiently?
so what if the ocean was instantly becoming polluted?

as long as most of us still have plenty of water to consume, we do not care.
as long as there are fishes sold in the market, it is ok.
as long as there is still water in the world, it is fine.

so,
we have to be aware that we are a part of the ecosystem, the ever vast food-chain, a society of living creatures, that one disruption in the natural flow of life can cause devastation of the whole chain.

earlier, i’ve heard that senator lito lapid is going to run for makati city mayor in the upcoming elections.

so what?
there’s nothing new about ex-movie stars running for political positions in the country.
so what if an incumbent government official can vie for another position without resignation?
so what if lapid proclaimed earlier that if ever he won, he will ban rallies at makati?
so what if it might have been another plot of the government to detract its critics?

as long as we eat thrice a day, it’s ok.
as long as we can watch our favorite tv shows and movies, it’s alright.
as long as we provide ourselves our needs and some wants, it’s fine.

so,
we have to at least give back to our parents and to the society their nurture (on whatever degree it might have been) by being vigilant, pro-active and sympathetic to the society.
in one way or another we can do something to improve the political condition, the education situation and the socio-economic predicaments.


screams of nature and the society were slowly silenced by our conditioned lives leaning on the verge of apathy.
the thought of surviving the urban and rural jungles, the thought of finishing our routine of tasks and the thought of somehow escaping the realities hitting our lives, made us deaf on the cries of the world.

our lives conditioned to normality push us towards the cliff down to apathy.


while most of us would not give a damn on the incessant screams of politics, nature, society and family, we must remember that some people and groups would find ways of removing the cork of apathy in their ears to respond to the screams of the world.


****
pdi article about world ocean day

***
a scream is an exaggerated call for attention.

the disadvantage and advantage of being bare

two things that got into my nerves today:
first, paying 160php for a crappy movie such as the omen as a treat for your sister.
second, finding yourself stuck on a situation wherein you were unable to do anything despite the fact that you know somewhere, deep inside you that you can do something.

a bare movie for me is a movie full of bluffs. a movie was bare if it has the same formula since motion pictures were invented an doesn't make you think anymore. if the intention of the movie was not met, (i.e. if it’s supposed to scare you but made you laugh instead) it is bare.
the omen was bare. nuff said.

a while ago, as me and my sister entered the gates of one of the military camps in the metro(we live inside a military camp), two military officers on duty as guards denied my sister’s entrance for the sole reason that she’s wearing slippers.
ok, i got the point of the whole checkpoint process, but after she showed them all her ids that certifies her residency inside the camp, they still denied her entrance. what a bull!
they treated us (especially my sister) as if we were criminals.
they kept us away from people and lectured us about the entrance policies of the camp.

no wearing of sando, slippers and sandals inside the camp

fuck that entrance policy!
the hell with that/those narrow-minded camp officer/s who formulated that policy.
aren’t they thinking?
there were civilians residing inside the camp, and of course, most civilians would wear slippers. even their soldiers would wear slippers on duty!

anyways, i waited for my sister for a couple of minutes on the path walk, thinking that she was just held inside their office. as worry starts to sink in me, i planned to fetch her myself when she instantly appeared on the dark, at other end of the path walk.
she was asked to stay away from the civilian path walk and told her to take the dark alley at the back of their office instead.

this was not the first time we were denied of entrance because of wearing sandals and slippers.

i was so pissed off because i wasn’t able to do anything on the situation.

as we tread a few kilometers home, an idea struck me and told my sister, the next they held us back for wearing slippers/sandals, let's remove our footwear and make our way inside!

countering the omen

i'm not sure if the premiere of the movie the omen did click. although many people have been roused by their 060606 publicity, and created much fuss about the apocalypse and the doomsday, it was not powerful enough to scare the hell out of the general populace. besides, there were lots of more sensible things to think about and there were lots of things scarier than the thought of the apocalypse(ie. hold-ups, rape, murder, education budget cut, tuition fee increase, etc).
anyways, to lighten things up, here’s a funny sms that i received weeks ago:

ilang araw na lang ay 060606 na,
at sa araw na iyon, maglilipana ang mga satanista para maghasik ng lagim at dumukot ng mga bata at babaeng iaalay sa demonyo.
mag-ingat.

pero ‘wag mag-alala.
siguradong darating ang powerpuff girls at si son gokou
kasama ng mga iba pang super saiyans para iligtas tayong lahat.
=)

and so as to counter the omen fuss, i will finally answer to the tags of
kevin and ron.

i promise to keep this brief.

instructions:

1. the tagged victim must come up with 8 different descriptions of their perfect lover.

2. he/she needs to mention the sex/gender of their ideal lover.

3. he/she must tag 8 more people to join this game and leave a comment on their respective sites announcing that they've been tagged.

4. if tagged a second time, there's no need to post again.

+ + +


my ideal lover is a female, a lady, a woman, and the equivalent of the term.

the ideal descriptions are as follows:

1)sensible
2)sensitive
3)sensual
4)has sense of order
5)has sense of humor
6)versatile
7)has inclinations to art
8)independent


the tagged bloggers:

ken

lojix

ghe

brew

lexan

riyel

ehji

avery

presyo ni darna at mahal na screensaver

mula sa likuran ng sasakyan, kitang-kita ko ang unti-unting pagkabura ng mga guhit ng katandaan sa kanyang mukha. unti-unti, tumuwid ang kanyang likuran na tila nagpabata sa kanya ng dalawampung taon. unti-unti ring nagbago ang kanyang boses. mas malakas, mas makapangyarihan. sa isang iglap, naging darna siya.

akalain mong mabilis pala siyang tumakbo. nagawa pa nga niyang mapahinto ang nagmamadaling van sa ilang kumpas lang ng kanyang mga kamay.
hindi na nakapalag ang pasaway na driver.

nasaan lisensiya mo?
‘di mo ba nakita pula na?
anong orange? ‘wag ka nang mapilit!
pula yun! kitang-kita ko.

kitang-kita ko rin nang suhulan siya ng driver ng rent-a-van na sinasakyan namin.
talagang bilib na’ko kay manang, este kay darna pala.
matigas siya sa kanyang pagkakatayo.
di niya alintana ang paulit-ulit na pagkurot ng araw sa kanyang balat.
balewala rin sa kanya ang lumanghap ng mga pumapatay na hangin.
matibay siya.
walang duda, siya nga si darna.
di niya alintana ang kalabang usok at init, magawa lang ang kanyang tungkulin, ang hulihin ang mga hindi sumusunod sa batas.

di na kakailanganin pa ang matinding sikat ng araw para mabakas sa mukha ng driver ang pagkainis.

wala hong rehistro.
hindi ko dala.
kahit luma, wala.
pag-usapan na lang natin ‘to.

ginamit ni darna ang kanyang matatalim na mata at pinababa ang driver.
sinundan ko sila ng tingin habang tumatawid sila sa kalsada.
matagal-tagal din ang kanilang usapan. madalas, napapakamot pa sa ulo yung driver namin. hanggang makita kong umupo si darna sa upuan sa tabi habang nakaharap sa kanya ang driver.
natawa ako sa itsura nila. naisip kong napapagod din si darna kahit papaano.
ilang saglit pa, bumalik na ang driver sa van.
nakangiti siya.
akala ko senyales ng pagbabago ng pananaw sa buhay, yung tipong ngiti ng pagkakaron ng bagong kaalaman sa batas trapiko. pero mali ako.

abot tenga ang ngiti niya dahil nakalusot siya sa nanghinang darna ng kalsada.

singkwenta lang pala katapat niya.
akala ko mahal.
sus, bibigay din pala.

unti-unting nadudurog sa paningin ko ang baluting binalot ko sa pagkatao ni darna.
hindi na pala siya ganoon kalakas. bagama’t nalalabanan niya ang mga kalabang init at usok, mabilis naman pala siyang matatalo ng isang piraso ng papel na kulay pink.

anak ng maynila naman o!
mantakin mong kapresyo lang ni darna yung mga piratang dvd sa quiapo at divisoria.
di ko talaga sukat akalain na sa kulay pink na papel, muling magbabalik, subalit mas marami pa, ang mga guhit ng katandaan at kahirapan sa kanyang mukha. dahil sa isang pink na papel, nahubad ang baluti ng kanyang dignidad.
********


nasaan na nga ba si screensaver? (ang tagapagligtas ng mga sirang computers)
inatake kasi ng mga trojans at worms ang computer ko nitong nakaraan.
malakas sila.
madali nilang nalalabanan ang aking opensa. Di na nga umuubra sa kanila yung dati kong pamuksa.
nabalitaan ko sa internet na madali lang hanapin si screensaver.
i-google ko lang daw.
hinanap ko siya. tama, nakita ko siya. nagtatago siya sa mga pangalang norton, mc affe, avg, anti-vir, stop-zilla at kung anu-ano pa.
sinubukan kong kunin ang tulong niya subalit kalimitan sa mga pagkatao niya ay mahal ang hinihinging kabayaran.
peste naman o.
pati ba naman si screensaver napasailalim na sa mga kapitalista?
naisip ko tuloy, baka ang gumagawa ng mga kalabang viruses, ang siya ring may gawa kay screensaver.
dahil alam na naman nila yung nilalaman ng computer, pwede silang gumawa ng mga makakasira dito. sa kabilang banda, gagawa naman sila ng mga screensavers para may panlaban sa mga viruses. ang nakakalungkot, karamihan sa mga screensavers ay ibinibenta nila ng mahal!

uncracked!

they were neither robert langdon nor sophie noveau. no, they were not even professional code breakers, but their stares made it appear as if they had a hard time deciphering my age.

i gave them all the clues: my driver’s license, my school id, and all the other ids i carried inside my wallet but they still demanded for proof.

how many times do i have to tell them that i am of legal age? i was about to call the attention of the manager when the guard finally allowed me to purchase my ticket.

the guard continued to give me shots of pessimistic glances as i made my way inside.
i wondered what’s up with those people, i wondered. it was as if my entrance to the movie house was a great deal for them.

ok. i saw the da vinci code, at last, after the queue of issues it faced.
seats were still full although the movie has been running for over a week.
thanks to the publicity caused by issues and controversies raised by many sides of the society, the movie attracted thousands of audience in the country.

anyways, despite what most “moralists” claim about the movie heretic and all, i still found its formula very fictional. the fast pace of the storyline makes it hard for an ordinary audience to recall the facts and so-called historical information presented in the film. unless the audience is a genius, or has a very powerful memory, he/she might experience information overload. on the other hand the info overload one tends to suffer in the movie was minor compared to the book.

the over reaction of the catholic church when the movie first had its publicity was, for me, futile. banning a movie that has long been published years before on text was a waste of time.

i’ve read the book 2 or 3 years ago when it first came out. well, it did made me think about the possibilities presented (ie. jesus and magdalene’s marriage etc.) but never has it took my faith away from me. i very well knew that the text was a form of fiction, a literature, a work of man that can either be presenting multiple layers of truth or not.

the burning of the dvc books recently by some moralist groups in the country was a not so smart move. they may have discovered the power of the text as a more powerful medium of communication transfer for it encourages greater recall than the motion picture, but the book-burning activities were just too late. they have not only wasted their money (by buying dvc books and burning them eventually), but also their effort.

frequent attacks against the controversial fiction was an insult to the audience. banning it on cinemas for the sole reason that it could rock the faith of christians, was insulting. authorities and groups behind the ban underestimates the power of the audience to rationalize and separate fact from fiction.

personally, the movie was not at all that moving. it appears like a usual movie with a usual plot presenting another probability in life. in fact, i nearly fell asleep on some scenes that i found boring.

if the catholic and the christian church, as well as the moralist groups are sincere with their plight of protecting the doctrines and the established conventions of faith and religion, they should have sued the national geographic channel for showing more controversial documentaries about the what could have truly happened on the course of the churches’ history. they have shown documentaries regarding the gospel of magdalene, the gospel of judas, phillip, the gnostic gospels, as well as the other messiahs.
those documentaries, are in-depth and could be more moving as compared to the dvc movie.

in addition, books already printed years before the conceptualization of the dvc such as the holy blood holy grail, the templar revelation, the gospel of mary magdalene and others were proof that the presentation of alternative truths have long been proliferated and allowed by the so called protectors of the christian faith and morality.

i don’t know if the whole fuss about the dvc was another conspiracy between the government, the church and some interest groups.
well. it's another code to crack.

i am getting tired of da vinci. why not bother about secrets of newton’s laws, or the mysteries of van gogh’s artworks? blah.

thanks to the movie, i got out of the cinema feeling quite sleepy, that i did not bother taking revenge on the rude ticket teller and guard.
can’t they crack it?! i just look young. those judgmental people!

******
anyways,

in the end, what matters is what you believe.